Am I grieving the loss of my living family member? The facts about ambiguous grief

Over the many years I have been in clinical practice, I have often worked with family members on their hidden grief and loss. More accurately, this is called ambiguous grief. “What’s Your Grief (WYG)” defines ambiguous grief as:

 “times in life when someone we love becomes someone we barely recognize.  The person is still physically with us, but psychologically they are gone.

 Circumstances with which someone could struggle with ambiguous grief include, but are not limited to, having a loved one suffering with the following:

●     Substance use disorder: Watching your loved one suffer from a substance use disorder can be like watching someone disappear. You know your loved one is still with you physically, but the version of them you once knew is gone.  What can be even more painful, is when small glimpses of who they are, authentically, become present during periods of sobriety.  You are reminded of who the person is beyond the disease and long for the relationship you used to have.  Leaving you with hope and loss many times over.  This type of grief is especially difficult due to the stigma and shame that can come with the abuse of alcohol or drugs.  People around you may lack empathy due to lack of understanding or in response to their own boundaries. This can lead to feelings of isolation and leave you without support in your grief. 

●     Sudden, life-changing medical complexity: When an unexpected life event leaves your loved one with changed abilities this can affect your new normal significantly. Parenting roles, partner roles,  parent/child roles can all take on a new form. Loved ones are suddenly working through a traumatic event while also changing their role as a loved one. While people may receive more empathy and support during this type of struggle, it often does not allow people the time or space to understand their grief and loss.  Even if a person has survived a traumatic medical complexity, it is still okay to grieve the loss of who they used to be.  

●     A challenging mental health disorder: the onset of mental health disorders can be triggered by many different things.  Age, medical illness and experience of a traumatic event are just some examples.  When someone you love begins to suffer from a new set of intrusive mental health symptoms, this changes the dynamics of all the relationships in their life. You sometimes feel like you cannot recognize who they are and feel confused about why they cannot return to their previous state of health.  While education and empathy surrounding mental health is certainly increasing, often loved ones feel very alone in this type of grief as well. Statements like “it’s all in their head,” or “they should just get over it” can often leave loved ones feeling isolated in grieving the loss of who their loved one used to be. 

●     Parenting a child with special needs: People who are planning to start and expand on their families typically do not do so with expectations of complications their child may encounter. Instead, we have fantasies of healthy, emotionally well children whose lives we intend to nurture and support.  We daydream about who they might become, what interests they will have, what sports they might participate in etc.  However, this all changes when we are faced with parenting a child with special needs.  We don’t necessarily need to grieve the loss of who the child used to be, but who we had imagined they would be. We grieve the loss of our own hopes and expectations.  Once a parent is able to work through that, they can adjust their parenting style to meet the needs of their children and allow for best possible outcomes within their specific circumstances. 

All of these different circumstances require us to redefine who we are as spouses, loved ones, parents, siblings and/or friends.  Our ‘ambiguous grief’ feelings may present as sadness and yearning, anger and guilt, or a range of other emotions.  Feelings of loneliness can be overwhelming if others cannot recognize or support your grief. And, once the fear of the unknown is sifted through, you are left with the confusion of how to love a whole new person.  You feel like you should be grateful because your loved one is still here but you can’t seem to shake the unbelievable sadness and loss you feel. You are grieving. And that is okay.

Once you allow yourself self-compassion and permission to grieve, there are ways to navigate through that grieving process.  WYG offers the following tips for Ambiguous Grief:

1.                  Remember that the present does not override the past or dictate the future: Every good day you have had and will have with your loved one is still valid and real. Don’t lose sight of the good days.

2.                  Understanding that the illness is not the person: Diffusion is when we recognize that the illness is not the person.  Instead, they are suffering from symptoms of the illness.

3.                  Acknowledge the grief and pain of the loss: If you are struggling to process through your feelings of grief and loss, seek out therapy to help you navigate the process more easily.

4.                  Be open to a new type of relationship: Revisit your new normal. Create realistic and flexible expectations based on what your loved one is struggling with. Everyday is a new day.  Yesterday may have been hard, but today might not be.

5.                  Connect with others who can relate: Support groups may be available to support you through your specific circumstances.

Resource: https://whatsyourgrief.com/ambiguous-grief-grieving-someone-who-is-still-alive/.